News

Khalil Beckwith, King                    Jack Howard, York             Amon Rizvi, Bartlett

Erik Martinez, Curie        Nia Green, Rich Central     Walter Escobar, Saint Patrick

What’s your secret for coming up with NCAA tournament picks?

KHALIL: A nice long game of Dungeons and Dragons starring the possible new star players.

JACK: I usually ask the first animal I see. My brother did a lot better than the cat last year.

AMON: Time to use my invisibility cloak!

ERIK: You can usually get them at the dollar store for a good price.

NIA: Pick by what mascot would win in a fight! It’s interesting to think about it.

WALTER: Best point-guard points-per-game combined with the forward’s rebounding and blocks, and … just kidding, I have no clue.

 

Michael Jordan’s selling his mansion in Highland Park. Asking price: $29 million. What do you imagine is in there?

KHALIL: A big golden statue of that tongue of his.

JACK: Magic sneakers–like the ones Bugs Bunny stole in “Space Jam,” right?

AMON: A voodoo doll of his old high school basketball coach, who cut him from the team.

ERIK: He’s included in the purchase, right?

NIA: 23-hole mini golf course, 23 basketball courts and 19 bathrooms, but he will be adding more.

WALTER: For sure, he has to be selling his six NBA title rings! I mean, those gorgeous jewels …

 

The Cubs have a team psychologist (no, we’re not making this up). If you were their shrink, what would be your diagnosis?

KHALIL: They’re gonna need some Ritalin to step up their defense.

JACK: That I’m not helping.

AMON: “The reason you aren’t playing well is an unresolved Oedipus complex.”

ERIK: They have a winning deficiency.

NIA: They are repressing the memories of losing and being self destructive, so they can’t move on.

WALTER: Afraid-of-fastball-ology.

Reports say Tim Tebow may be dating Taylor Swift. Sum up your reaction in five words or less.

KHALIL: There must be some mistake …

JACK: Am I supposed to care?

AMON: Isn’t she, like, 5? Sssssick.

ERIK: Welcome to Hollywood, Timlor Swebow!

NIA: #WinningW

WALTER: Jesus, Jesus! Lord, Lord Jesus!

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About The Mash

The Mash is the Chicago Tribune's newspaper and website written for teens, by teens. The paper is distributed for free every other Thursday at Chicago-area high schools and is written largely by high school students.

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