Sports

Jimmy Loomos 
Maine South
Since there was minimal drama in college sports when compared to the rest of the sports world, athletic directors of all the major conferences must have decided to pick blindly out of a hat to choose new teams for their leagues. What else explains the geographically senseless moves of various Division I teams over the past few weeks?

Let’s begin with Texas A&M. The former members of the Big 12, which we might as well call the Little 9, recently announced their move to the Southeastern Conference. Maybe athletic school officials at the school should take a geography class or two because to call Texas southeastern is like saying Chicago is just off the Pacific Ocean.

Or what about Syracuse and Pittsburgh, who are contemplating a move to the Atlantic Coast Conference? I must have missed the coastline when I was in Pittsburgh, but I’m sure upstate New York has a magnificent view of the Atlantic.

And I almost forgot about Utah’s jump to the Pacific-12. I’m pretty sure if that man from “Sister Wives” made a pyramid of all of his wives and stood on top, he could probably see the Pacific Ocean, so I guess Utah being in the Pac-10 is pure logic. My bad.

I’m not sure the madness is done. You’ll probably wake up tomorrow to see the Big 12 down to three teams, and using the classifieds to recruit new members—most likely YMCA league champions.

Game of the Week
Wheaton Warrenville South at Glenbard North
7:30 p.m. Friday

With Glenbard North ranked seventh in the state, according to the Chicago Tribune’s Mike Helfgot, and Wheaton Warrenville a former top-three team before starting the season 0-2 (both losses were against the state’s top two teams), it is sure to be a fascinating display of two talented football teams. While the Tigers are used to being in the spotlight, this year’s Glenbard North team is the best it has been in years. The Panthers are led by the Jackson brothers: Senior running back Phil, in his third season on varsity, has had 11 touchdowns in the first five games; sophomore Justin is the secondary’s leading tackler with 19.

Other Games to Watch
Lake Zurich at Stevenson, 7 p.m. Thursday
Loyola vs. Fenwick (at Morton West), 7:30 p.m. Friday
Glenbard West at Addison Trail, 7:30 p.m. Friday

Rants and Raves
Rants: Jose Reyes won the National League batting title last week, and he did so by getting on base in his first at-bat and then removing himself from the game. Can someone say coward? New lesson to teach your younger siblings: “You can’t lose if you don’t try.” Congrats on the title, Jose. You really earned it in that last game.

Raves: The Tampa Bay Rays are phenomenal, or at least phenomenally lucky to have the baseball gods on their side. Down seven to the Yankees in the bottom of the eighth, they came back to force extra innings and went on to win the game and the American League wild card in their last game of the season. That game must have been taken directly from a movie; it couldn’t have been more perfect.

Benchwarmers
Who would’ve thought Kobe Bryant could speak Italian—oh, and he’s headed to play basketball in Italy during the lockout.  … In his Ferrari, boxer Arthur Abraham set the Berlin land speed record. What’s cool, he was going about 143 mph. What’s not is that he did it illegally. Maybe he should have been in NASCAR, not boxing.

How to Defend Yourself Against Angry Detroit Lions Fans
1.
Bring up the failing auto industry.

2. Compare Chicago and Detroit.

3. Stealthily throw peanuts at the man sitting in front of you.

4. Point out that the Lions are one of four teams never to reach a Super Bowl.

5. Repeatedly make jokes about the weird shade of blue on the Lions’ jerseys.

6. Use extremely big words.

7. Congratulate them for stealing Ben Gordon from the Bulls—he’s really helped the Pistons. Oh wait, that’s a lie.

8. Pretend you have an eye twitch, it’ll cause confusion.

9. Run away fast. Actually just walk, they probably won’t be able to catch you.

10. Threaten to call Brian Urlacher for backup.

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The Mash is the Chicago Tribune's newspaper and website written for teens, by teens. The paper is distributed for free each Thursday at Chicago-area high schools and is written largely by high school students.

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