Sports

Get creative: What does Sammy Sosa have to do to get into the Hall of Fame?
AFFY: Sosa should invest in a DeMarini bat and not a cork bat.

KHALIL: Have a few lines in Chief Keef’s new album.

KASEY: Nothing—even being suspected of steroids would make him wrong for the Hall of Fame.

GABBY: He needs to replace Sarah McLachlan in the animal cruelty commercials and sing his own touching song.

 

Bears GM Phil Emery reminds you of … 
AFFY: … Obama’s “not bad” face.

KHALIL: … Kermit the Frog after a long day in divorce court with Miss Piggy.

KASEY: … Kermit the Frog.

GABBY: … a person who had really bad plastic surgery. The other parts of his face can’t emote with his mouth.

 

Oprah has an exclusive interview with Lance Armstrong on Thursday (8 p.m., OWN). What would you tell him or ask him if you were Oprah?
AFFY: I would ask Lance, will you ever fess up and face the truth?

KHALIL: I’d say, “Wow, Lance, winning the Tour de France seven times? That’s dope.”

KASEY: I would ask why he thought it was OK to build a career on cheating.

GABBY: What’s it like to be on human growth hormones and get blood transfusions? Tell us, are you more of the werewolf Jacob or the vampire Edward Cullen?

 

Baseball is coming out with “interview caps”—for players to wear during interviews. So … what makes it an interview cap?
AFFY: An interview cap is different than the hundreds of other baseball caps because it’s not mandatory. And a little more fashionable.

KHALIL: I think interview caps would have a big obnoxious gold sticker that says, “No comment.”

KASEY: The powers of the hat confuse the players’ thoughts.

GABBY: I read that these caps are made for the athletes to give away, but the truth is the hats make the athletes feel like superheroes and help them overcome their fear of reporters.

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About The Mash

Maura Wall Hernandez is digital editor of The Mash.

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