Barrington
and Emily Selch
Francis W. Parker
Kulsoom Jafri, a junior at Barrington, doesn’t expect much from guys. A fan of “Twilight,” she’s searching for her true love Edward Cullen, but she doesn’t think she’ll ever find him.
“It’s really hard to find a guy in high school,” said Jafri, who at 16 is already cynical about love.
The image of a guy with first-date jitters holding a bouquet may be confined to movies. Today, many teens say they believe romance has been replaced by hookups, breakups and heartache.
Teens such as Jafri and relationship experts believe dating has become more casual, and many teen relationships are less meaningful because social networking, text messaging and technology have decreased face-to-face interaction.
For instance, Chloe Roberts, a senior at Barrington, saw her cousin and her boyfriend communicate solely through text messaging and AOL Instant Messenger.
“They would IM each other, go to the movies and text. That was basically it,” Roberts said. “I think that because of technology, they feel like they don’t need to hang out.”
Jennifer Austin Leigh, known as Dr. Jenn, provides dating expertise for teens as an author and speaker. She attributes many of this generation’s dating woes to the growing influence of technology, which encourages shorter relationships with less communication. When couples finally do interact face-to-face, relationships are often more physical. Leigh said she’s noticed this trend within the past 10 years. She remembers when boys had to work to get a girl’s attention by “courting” her. Now, she thinks guys can “slack off” because the media teaches girls to make themselves more available.
“Dating is unrecognizable to me,” she said. “Instead of everything that goes along with falling in love, it’s like people go into a candy store and try people out.”
For example, Roberts, at Barrington, has seen a friend get hurt by short flings. She believes her friend deals with the pain of a breakup by finding someone new.
“She would think that it (the relationship) was something special. It wouldn’t work out, and then she would go find someone else,” Roberts said. “(Girls) feel better about themselves if they can get another guy.” In fact, Leigh said she’s read research indicating that technology makes dating more casual because it provides a substitute for real connections.
“When people interact with a person face-to-face, certain neurons in their brains fire,” she said. “That is how people make connections. These neurons do not fire when people interact through technology.” Over time, texting and social networking have changed the way teens communicate in relationships—but not always for the better. Leigh said one of her clients broke up with her boyfriend because he tagged her in a picture on Facebook that she didn’t like.
“I’ve seen many relationships end because of stupid conflicts through technology,” Leigh said.
Some teens also say texting provides more opportunities for conflict. Barrington senior Maddy Bozarth has gotten into arguments with boyfriends because of misleading texts.
“Texting is horrible because you say things that can come off the wrong way,” she said. “You can say things to someone that you usually wouldn’t say face to face.”
Francis W. Parker senior Theo Seman also believes Facebook molds some couples into strictly online relationships.
“When you see each other, you’ve already talked about everything online,” he said. “It’s like ‘I can’t really talk to you in person. I can only talk to you when I can’t see you.’ ”
Facebook and other sites also expose relationships to public scrutiny. Jenna Brooks, a senior at Latin, feels some people get into relationships because they enjoy sharing them online.
“It has completely changed how serious you are,” she said. “People don’t get in relationships for the right reasons anymore.”
Kathy Doherty, executive director of the Chicago-based non-profit organization Between Friends, even believes the Internet has the potential to hurt dating. Through her work, Doherty tries to eliminate domestic violence in communities, and she’s witnessed stalking and abuse on Facebook.
“If someone wants to keep track of you, they can check your Facebook,” she said.
However, healthy teen relationships still exist. Francis W. Parker seniors Jenny Smith and Casey O’Dea have been dating since they were sophomores. They try going on a traditional dinner-and-movie date every Friday. They also use technology to their advantage by video-chatting instead of talking on the phone.
Smith said she also tries splitting her time equally between her friends and O’Dea.
“You have to be good at managing time with your friends and your boyfriend,” she said.
O’Dea also makes a point of making time for his friends. “My guy friends, they understand,” he said. “I hang out with them once per weekend and with Jenny once per weekend.”
When it comes to the future of dating, there are opposing views about what’s in store. Leigh believes if current trends continue, serious relationships will be a thing of the past.
“I’d like to say something different, but I think it’s going to be difficult for people to get married and stay married,” Leigh said. Many of the girls she helps began dating at such a young age, she said, that they’ve given up on love by the time they reach college. “Kids are already emotionally and spiritually worn out by their late teens,” Leigh said.
On the other hand, there’s hope.
Leigh’s book “The Secrets Guys Wish You Knew About Love” features research about guys ages 14-21 from 23 different countries. When she asked them what they wanted in relationships, she was shocked. “Most guys wanted the opportunity to court a girl again,” she said. “They were looking for more romance in their lives.”
Doherty, of Between Friends, believes this generation still holds traditional values of respect and communication.
“I think that those core values and qualities will always be there,” Doherty said, “no matter what (the relationship) looks like.”
